dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
