wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
