oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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