My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
