Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
