I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
