Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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