he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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