Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
wanna go halves on a baby?
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I AM VODKA MAN
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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