the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
