Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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