Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
