I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
