idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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