please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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