I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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