I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
