If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
whose ass print is on the piano?
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
