his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
