if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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