So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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