I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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