If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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