I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Randomize
