I wish my penis had an off switch
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
