Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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