Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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