I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
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