I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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