I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
