nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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