You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
