I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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