can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
