I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
