you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
