I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
