I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
there was a trapeze. enough said
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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