Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
