How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
