"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
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