I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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