So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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