sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Mom said you looked used
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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