Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
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