composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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