One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
