I'm jealous of your bromance
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
