I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Randomize
