I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthdayâ€
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
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