proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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