There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
