If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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